Awakening

'To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.'
 Oscar Wilde

Dear blog, something amazing happened. I am in disbelief at how easy it was to achieve and just how much it meant to me.

As a child, I loved my dad very much. He was my universe. When I was five, I remember my dad telling us that he will be going away for a long time. He traveled frequently for work, but this time, he would be away longer. After much probing from me, he said that he would be back in a month. A long month passed. One day, the neighbors came to our apartment saying that my dad was downstairs. One month of missing him all built up at that instant, I completely broke down as I ran crying to see my dad. We were lead into an empty room. A phone sat on the desk with my dad on the other side. I became hysterical asking my dad where he was, when was he coming back, and why wasn't he coming back. He said he was in a country far away and didn't know when he will come back. The logical conclusion in my 5-year old mind was that my dad had left me. I desperately asked him to come back but it wasn’t enough to change his mind. I don't remember thinking much about him until we arrived at Australia five years later. By that time, he was a stranger to me, and we no longer played or laughed together. Other events occurred that lead me to feel hatred towards him. I thought that I didn’t love him anymore. Yet, the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. And my feelings for him has never been indifference.

The first deep conversations that I had with Matthew over 3 years ago were about our childhoods. We exchanged stories about our sad pasts. I didn’t realize until then that I was still terribly hurt by what happened in my childhood. The first time that Matthew told me that he loved me, I cried. I didn’t know why then, but I cried because at that moment, I realized that I was enough. And the walls I built gave way to a forgotten heart, whose cries hadn't been heard in a long time. We had blissful times where I felt like it was heaven on earth. Those times were often cut short by my worry about losing it all in the future, that Matthew would leave me, just like my dad did. I tried to control every situation to not make history repeat itself. And I worried incessantly. Somehow I rationalized that if I worry about it, then when it inevitability happens, I won’t be so hurt. But what you focus on, becomes stronger. So worrying made me worry even more. My promises of being more trusting finally became just empty words, and Matthew ended the relationship. During the last month with Matthew, knowing that I was losing him made me confront my past. There is a popular saying that to move on, you need to forgive. So I decided to forgive my dad. That was surprisingly easy. Looking at everything objectively, I discovered that it was highly likely that he didn’t abandon me, it could be as simple as what he had always stated, he left a bribery-filled China to build a better future for us. It was a revelation. When I went back home to Australia, I talked with my dad more and encouraged my siblings to be more understanding and caring towards him. But I never brought up the past.

Fast forward to this week, Matthew invited me as a guest to the closing of the Landmark Forum where he along with almost everyone else were transformed. People were emotional talking about their transformations, strengthened relationships, improved self-images and such. I was quite skeptical at first, it seemed that everyone had turned into giddy lovey-duvey puppets. Towards the end of the evening, we did an exercise where the guests list any breakdown that we were experiencing, envision the possibilities, and what steps to take to achieve them. The breakdown that came to my mind was my relationship with my twin sister. We used to be best friends, but now, I feel that she places many people before me. I felt that she was less invested in the relationship. After many patient in-depth questions from Matthew, I blurted out that I think the only reason my sister loves me is because we are family, she doesn’t love me for who I am. Then it dawned on me that my relationship pattern with dad continues. Not just in the relationship between Matthew and I, but also in the relationship between my sister and I. I still believed that I wasn’t enough to be loved for who I am, and I was afraid that the people I love would leave me. I had assumed that since I rationalized that my dad didn't abandon me, then I was all healed. The rational and logical part of the brain likely understood, but the emotional, feeling and instinctual part were still operating on past loss. I knew what I need to do. I need to call my dad, tell him I love him and talk, really talk about the past.

The next morning, June 8, 2016, I woke up super early, feeling extremely excited. As night drawn near, I became more nervous. I thought about how to bring up the subject. We are not a family who shows physical forms of affection let alone mentions the word love. Once I saw my parents hugging in their bedroom after my dad had returned from a two-week trip. As I walked past, they saw me and quickly let go of each other. The thought of putting it off to a day later was definitely tempting. But I didn’t want to live another day without my transformation. At 7.50pm, I called my dad. I was already teary. I told him that I was at a workshop which made me realize something, then I choked on my words. Dad said lovingly, don’t worry child, tell dad what’s wrong, we will find a solution. I said I realized that he is the most important person to me (I meant to say I love him, but couldn’t just yet). I related to him the emotional phone call we had when I was 5, of how I thought that he had abandoned me. He said, no way, I would never abandon you, you and your sister are my pillars. Dad said that it’s very difficult for him to express his emotions, he's not that type of person, so I don’t know just how deeply he loves me (wow!!!). He told me of when he was going to go on a trip to China, and my mum and I were in the middle of a fight (like I used to do), he was worried about leaving me and wanted to delay the flight until my mum promised that she wouldn’t scold me any further. He knows that mum tends to take out her anger and frustration from life on us (it didn’t help that I was perpetually stubborn). I told him that I was scared of getting hurt again so I never allowed myself to open up, and I was sorry that I wasn’t able to love him fully for the last 25 years. Dad said don’t worry, he knows that I love him. He recounted how when I was sick and he was looking after me, I said to him ‘Dad, I wish I will always be sick, so you will never leave me.’ That sounds like something I’d say after my big loss. Dad assured me again that he never considered leaving me. He knows that when he left I was very young, mum had her doubts and fears, and other people talk too, so I must have also overheard things. He brought up that there were some things that he did that were wrong, like the mistress. He said he was lonely, needed someone to look after the shop while he was out delivering eggs at night, and she was very good to him. Most of the women who left China divorced their husbands, and over 50% of men who left divorced their wives. While dad and mum had their issues, he would never consider a divorce because he had us. Dad said how mum would often remark how he gets mad at us, but after a couple of words, he was all happy again. I suppose this is unconditional love. I said ‘I love you, dad’. Dad was overjoyed to hear that. We were both delighted about the phone call, and I was relieved too. I realized that my dad has always loved me, and unconditionally :). I am so thankful for Matthew who helped and encouraged me to do this.

I spent 25 years of my life thinking that my dad didn't love me. That's almost the entirety of my life since I started collecting memories. I didn't know that the constant sense of loss in my heart, that the belief that everyone I love would sooner or later leave me, or the rationale that therefore it would be better to just not feel because such loss is inevitable – were not a normal part of life. I think the time that I started loving my dad, was also the time when I started loving myself. And when I thought that he had left me and that I wasn’t enough to make him stay. It destroyed the love I had for myself. I didn’t think that I was enough for my dad, for myself or for anyone else. To survive I built a strong wall around a fragile heart. I was super confident in myself, yet I couldn’t stand it if anyone didn’t like me. I knew that I deserve love, yet I was so unsure whether the love that people have for me can be sustained. Now that I know that my dad loves me, has always loved me, and loves me unconditionally. I feel safe and grounded. The love that I have for myself comes rushing in. And instead of a boat drifting out to sea without a home, I now have a home to return to. I feel safe to venture out!

When I used to look at my dad, I saw all my negative qualities reflected in him - selfishness, arrogance and laziness. That reinforced my negative feelings towards him, which also reinforced my negative feelings towards myself. The more I tried to ran away from those qualities, the more they chased me. Now, when I think of my dad, there are only positive qualities. His strength, courage, will power and his ability to love unconditionally. It is astonishing how much our childhoods can affect us. We may have had bad childhoods, wishing that the past was different. But it is never too late to experience love. The love between parent and child is unconditional. I believe that experiencing unconditional love from our parents is a crucial way for us to safely love ourselves. And we can only love others if we truly love ourselves. LG, life's good :).