Awakening

'To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.'
 Oscar Wilde

Dear blog, something amazing happened. I am in disbelief at how easy it was to achieve and just how much it meant to me.

As a child, I loved my dad very much. He was my universe. When I was five, I remember my dad telling us that he will be going away for a long time. He traveled frequently for work, but this time, he would be away longer. After much probing from me, he said that he would be back in a month. A long month passed. One day, the neighbors came to our apartment saying that my dad was downstairs. One month of missing him all built up at that instant, I completely broke down as I ran crying to see my dad. We were lead into an empty room. A phone sat on the desk with my dad on the other side. I became hysterical asking my dad where he was, when was he coming back, and why wasn't he coming back. He said he was in a country far away and didn't know when he will come back. The logical conclusion in my 5-year old mind was that my dad had left me. I desperately asked him to come back but it wasn’t enough to change his mind. I don't remember thinking much about him until we arrived at Australia five years later. By that time, he was a stranger to me, and we no longer played or laughed together. Other events occurred that lead me to feel hatred towards him. I thought that I didn’t love him anymore. Yet, the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. And my feelings for him has never been indifference.

The first deep conversations that I had with Matthew over 3 years ago were about our childhoods. We exchanged stories about our sad pasts. I didn’t realize until then that I was still terribly hurt by what happened in my childhood. The first time that Matthew told me that he loved me, I cried. I didn’t know why then, but I cried because at that moment, I realized that I was enough. And the walls I built gave way to a forgotten heart, whose cries hadn't been heard in a long time. We had blissful times where I felt like it was heaven on earth. Those times were often cut short by my worry about losing it all in the future, that Matthew would leave me, just like my dad did. I tried to control every situation to not make history repeat itself. And I worried incessantly. Somehow I rationalized that if I worry about it, then when it inevitability happens, I won’t be so hurt. But what you focus on, becomes stronger. So worrying made me worry even more. My promises of being more trusting finally became just empty words, and Matthew ended the relationship. During the last month with Matthew, knowing that I was losing him made me confront my past. There is a popular saying that to move on, you need to forgive. So I decided to forgive my dad. That was surprisingly easy. Looking at everything objectively, I discovered that it was highly likely that he didn’t abandon me, it could be as simple as what he had always stated, he left a bribery-filled China to build a better future for us. It was a revelation. When I went back home to Australia, I talked with my dad more and encouraged my siblings to be more understanding and caring towards him. But I never brought up the past.

Fast forward to this week, Matthew invited me as a guest to the closing of the Landmark Forum where he along with almost everyone else were transformed. People were emotional talking about their transformations, strengthened relationships, improved self-images and such. I was quite skeptical at first, it seemed that everyone had turned into giddy lovey-duvey puppets. Towards the end of the evening, we did an exercise where the guests list any breakdown that we were experiencing, envision the possibilities, and what steps to take to achieve them. The breakdown that came to my mind was my relationship with my twin sister. We used to be best friends, but now, I feel that she places many people before me. I felt that she was less invested in the relationship. After many patient in-depth questions from Matthew, I blurted out that I think the only reason my sister loves me is because we are family, she doesn’t love me for who I am. Then it dawned on me that my relationship pattern with dad continues. Not just in the relationship between Matthew and I, but also in the relationship between my sister and I. I still believed that I wasn’t enough to be loved for who I am, and I was afraid that the people I love would leave me. I had assumed that since I rationalized that my dad didn't abandon me, then I was all healed. The rational and logical part of the brain likely understood, but the emotional, feeling and instinctual part were still operating on past loss. I knew what I need to do. I need to call my dad, tell him I love him and talk, really talk about the past.

The next morning, June 8, 2016, I woke up super early, feeling extremely excited. As night drawn near, I became more nervous. I thought about how to bring up the subject. We are not a family who shows physical forms of affection let alone mentions the word love. Once I saw my parents hugging in their bedroom after my dad had returned from a two-week trip. As I walked past, they saw me and quickly let go of each other. The thought of putting it off to a day later was definitely tempting. But I didn’t want to live another day without my transformation. At 7.50pm, I called my dad. I was already teary. I told him that I was at a workshop which made me realize something, then I choked on my words. Dad said lovingly, don’t worry child, tell dad what’s wrong, we will find a solution. I said I realized that he is the most important person to me (I meant to say I love him, but couldn’t just yet). I related to him the emotional phone call we had when I was 5, of how I thought that he had abandoned me. He said, no way, I would never abandon you, you and your sister are my pillars. Dad said that it’s very difficult for him to express his emotions, he's not that type of person, so I don’t know just how deeply he loves me (wow!!!). He told me of when he was going to go on a trip to China, and my mum and I were in the middle of a fight (like I used to do), he was worried about leaving me and wanted to delay the flight until my mum promised that she wouldn’t scold me any further. He knows that mum tends to take out her anger and frustration from life on us (it didn’t help that I was perpetually stubborn). I told him that I was scared of getting hurt again so I never allowed myself to open up, and I was sorry that I wasn’t able to love him fully for the last 25 years. Dad said don’t worry, he knows that I love him. He recounted how when I was sick and he was looking after me, I said to him ‘Dad, I wish I will always be sick, so you will never leave me.’ That sounds like something I’d say after my big loss. Dad assured me again that he never considered leaving me. He knows that when he left I was very young, mum had her doubts and fears, and other people talk too, so I must have also overheard things. He brought up that there were some things that he did that were wrong, like the mistress. He said he was lonely, needed someone to look after the shop while he was out delivering eggs at night, and she was very good to him. Most of the women who left China divorced their husbands, and over 50% of men who left divorced their wives. While dad and mum had their issues, he would never consider a divorce because he had us. Dad said how mum would often remark how he gets mad at us, but after a couple of words, he was all happy again. I suppose this is unconditional love. I said ‘I love you, dad’. Dad was overjoyed to hear that. We were both delighted about the phone call, and I was relieved too. I realized that my dad has always loved me, and unconditionally :). I am so thankful for Matthew who helped and encouraged me to do this.

I spent 25 years of my life thinking that my dad didn't love me. That's almost the entirety of my life since I started collecting memories. I didn't know that the constant sense of loss in my heart, that the belief that everyone I love would sooner or later leave me, or the rationale that therefore it would be better to just not feel because such loss is inevitable – were not a normal part of life. I think the time that I started loving my dad, was also the time when I started loving myself. And when I thought that he had left me and that I wasn’t enough to make him stay. It destroyed the love I had for myself. I didn’t think that I was enough for my dad, for myself or for anyone else. To survive I built a strong wall around a fragile heart. I was super confident in myself, yet I couldn’t stand it if anyone didn’t like me. I knew that I deserve love, yet I was so unsure whether the love that people have for me can be sustained. Now that I know that my dad loves me, has always loved me, and loves me unconditionally. I feel safe and grounded. The love that I have for myself comes rushing in. And instead of a boat drifting out to sea without a home, I now have a home to return to. I feel safe to venture out!

When I used to look at my dad, I saw all my negative qualities reflected in him - selfishness, arrogance and laziness. That reinforced my negative feelings towards him, which also reinforced my negative feelings towards myself. The more I tried to ran away from those qualities, the more they chased me. Now, when I think of my dad, there are only positive qualities. His strength, courage, will power and his ability to love unconditionally. It is astonishing how much our childhoods can affect us. We may have had bad childhoods, wishing that the past was different. But it is never too late to experience love. The love between parent and child is unconditional. I believe that experiencing unconditional love from our parents is a crucial way for us to safely love ourselves. And we can only love others if we truly love ourselves. LG, life's good :).

Trinity Alps Backpacking Trip!

Dear Blog, here I am again! The Trinity Alps backpacking trip has passed over 2 months ago. It was the BEST vacation (wow) I've ever been on. Given my memory however, specific details were written down during the trip, good call. In summary, I'm up to doing it again anytime! And hope to go backpacking once a year.

Ok so here were my thoughts about the backpacking trip before we left. 1. It will be beautiful. 2. m has warned me that it may be difficult for me - uh if you say something like that, then I will certainly have to prove you wrong! 3. Could it be boring without technology for 4 days?! 4. And most important of all, how would I feel not being able to wash for 4 days!! Especially my hair, I hoped that I wouldn't gross myself out. I had planned on braiding my hair everyday to seal in the freshness (hopefully) and see how that would go. Fingers crossed. 5. Oh yes, almost forgot a very important thought, BEARS! I really wanted to see a bear. I do have my trusty bear spray if I ever need it. I bought a bear spray and tested it outside our townhouse. I felt the direction of the wind, and sprayed in the same direction otherwise it may end up all over me (I did wear sunglasses to protect myself). I pressed the lever for a millisecond, on response, a huge orange plume appeared about 20 ft away. I shrieked, freaked out at the expanse of it and ran back inside the house. At that exact moment, m who was sitting in the kitchen said 'honey, did you spray it?!' as he stumbled out of the kitchen. The kitchen window was open and the plume had entered the kitchen - oops. It was quite toxic in the kitchen with tearing eyes. So yes, the spray works. Passed by human inspection and approved by guinea pigs.

On the first day, a Thursday, Thursdays are the best because Friday is the day after, and weekends are shortly after! I don't really care for Tuesdays, I think mainly because that day was the weekly deliveries to the city with my dad and I had always dreaded it....Anyways, on the first day, which was a beautiful Thursday we hiked from the Stuart Fork Trail head to Morris Meadows. That was approximately 1500 ft in elevation gain, we did it from 8.30 am to 1.30 pm with 30 min of rest incurred by water filtration. During that time, I had a lot of time to contemplate about life. I was unsure what I wanted to do with my career. I want to achieve great things in life. And there are SO many things that I consider to be great achievements. The possibilities are endless which unfortunately makes focusing on one difficult. Ultimately, my goal is to help people health-wise. Whether it be curing cancer, alleviating pain, reversing diabetics, happy living through healthy living, fitness to improve health....a lot of the common diseases can actually be reversed and cured through dietary changes and through exercise. So I had been pondering about venturing into the field of disease prevention. It's no doubt always better to prevent a disease than to treat it when it becomes too late. It was a confusing time for me. I've since listened to audio books by motivational speakers such as Earl Nightingale and Zig Ziglar. It has helped me to gain some clarity and direction. I just need to take the first step. Everything begins with the first step, or the first goal. My goals currently are to learn about world history (since I didn't learn much history in high school and history is instrumental in shaping the present) and learn about clinical and sports nutrition. I want to write a diet/fitness blog (well, I actually already have a domain hehe), so I will need to gain a much better understanding about these topics. I will take the second step when I'm halfway through accomplishing these goals :). As well, it's inspirational to learn that humans on average are only using 5% of our brains' capacities. Our mental abilities are, for all intent and purposes, ENDLESS. Another great thing that Earl Nightingale said was, luck is when preparedness meets opportunity, and opportunity is always present. Combined, this means that the world is full of opportunities that I can realize with my endless mental capability. Wow, just wow :D. Back on topic, we arrived at the meadows by the Stuart Fork river. The meadow was a calm and immense yellow due to the drought, otherwise it would have been more beautiful. We met an old man camped there, Larry, who was shirtless and had a distinctive body odor. He was very eager to go to Mirror lake which is notoriously hard to find. M had found it last year with some serious rock climbing and scrambling and gave him some tips. Larry's childlike eagerness and impatience to go to Mirror lake was interesting and intriguing for his age. We never saw him again on our out-and-back hike. I wondered if he had passed out due to exhaustion, or perhaps he just went back down to prepare for better supplies till next time.

On the second day, I woke up very energetic and excited to see Emerald lake. We were supposed to hike 3 miles to Emerald Lake (according to m and his book) so I had assumed that it would be an easy day. It turned out not so much. We hiked from 8.10 to 11 am. It was actually 5 miles with about 1200 ft in elevation gain. The terrains around us changed from greeneries including ferns, to bushes then to mostly rocks with few coverings as we went up in altitude. Towards the end, there were steep sections like staircases featuring loose gravel. The view was beautiful. The only thing bugging us were the bugs. They would try to get near the eyes and inside the nose and mouth. Two suicided inside my nostrils. While m ate two out of annoyance. I thought of a Shark Tank idea. What if we can deter the bugs through acoustics, then no need for messy bug sprays/creams (that doesn't really work) or hat nets that are hard to see through or breath in. My protein level dipped as we climbed up. I wanted desperately some turkey sticks, but that was harder to reach at the bottom of the pack than the sugary trail mixes ewww. So yes, I was and still am on my version of a ketonic diet, low carb, very low sugar and high fat diet. Since the beginning of time, I wanted to get rid of fat on my tummy. That is where I accumulate fat. The exact details of my diet and progress are best detailed elsewhere, aka my diet/fitness blog. Briefly, I started the change in diet 3 months ago, my body fat was 21%, and it's now 20% (not sure how accurate my scale is for this). My weight has dropped from 139 lbs to 131lbs. I don't really care about my weight, since I love muscles and they weigh more than fat. I feel less hungry and have more energy at the end of the day as there were no longer sugar crashes. Oh the most important thing, I have less fat on my tummy now and can see (almost see) some abs! Before long we arrived at Emerald lake. The view was amazing. The lake was indeed an emerald color against beautiful mountains scattered with evergreens. On the opposite side, our campsite featured a backdrop of magnificent rugged sawtooth mountains triumphing above green valleys. I felt that I was on top of the world. We had lunch which consisted of tuna, mayonnaise and bacon bits, mmm fat and protein! Then we went exploring by the edge of the lake. M decided to go skinny dipping since we had the lake all to ourselves. I would never have thought this could be possible, but it looked like so much fun that I had to join! The rocks were super slippery and the water was ice-cold, so cold that it took my breath away as I slowly inched in. I tried to swim but it proved too difficult in the cold so I just treaded water to stay afloat, laughed and played. The experience was exhilarating and surprisingly refreshing. We got out and took turns drying ourselves on m's handkerchief sized towel (weight restrictions). We then went to relax on a rocky ledge on our sleeping pads overlooking the lake. As I lay there taking in the gorgeous view, a sudden sense of surreality swept through. I wondered how much would people pay to experience this, yet, it is free to anyone who is willing to travel there. The best things in life do come free. M went for some fly fishing while I continued relaxing. It was sunny and warm. I wrapped a sleeping pad over me to protect myself from the burning sun. Turquoise colored dragonflies were busy mating on the glistening water. A pair of deer gingerly walked to the lake's edge and started feeding. I wondered what they were eating. Weeks later I read about some breed of sheep on an island off of Scotland which exclusively live on algae. Perhaps the deers had acquired a taste for that too. The calmness was interrupted by the excitement of m reeling in a rainbow trout! It was small but apparently that's about the size they grow to due to the long winters and freezing temperatures. As I sat by the lake, I noticed something poking up under a rock in the water. It was a tiny snake! M helped me catch this little garter snake. It was pretty cool to hold him. I soon let him go and mused at why snakes are not scared of humans. M in his infinite pumpkinness, decided to swim the length of the lake and back. I knew this would be quite a feat, I was only able to swim a few meters before being winded. I saw m's shape slowly becoming smaller. The lake appeared deceivingly small and it was taking much longer than expected. For a moment, I couldn't see m anymore and became a bit worried. Then I saw his figure swimming along the shore. And suddenly, a naked white man (I call him Yeti) appeared scurrying on the rocks. It was a funny sight. The shortcut was short-lived as the Yeti jumped into the lake to finish the swim. He was huffing and puffing and finally came out of the river like a fish out of water. We then had dinner (Pad Thai) and I went to try some fly fishing with the help of my pro instructor. This was my second time fly fishing and I was feeling pretty good with my casting. It was harder than it looked though. I got a couple of bites. Each time I see the fly sink, I'd think, omg I have a bite, then pull up - but the millisecond thought of 'omg I have a bite' proved to be long enough for the fish to spit out the fly and get away. Possibly left feeling as disappointed as I was.

Late at night, as we were sleeping in our cocoons, I was awakened by an incoming rainstorm. It was super windy, I thought the wind might carry the tent with it. Dust sifted through. I was very nauseous and wanted to vomit (m wasn't much help), come to think of it, it may have been the time when the egg implanted :(. I felt sorry for myself and drifted back to sleep. In the morning, we woke up to some residue light rain and decided to sleep in. When the rain stopped, I found my shoes and socks all wet! I left them outside the tent beneath a flap but the wind must have carried the rain through. M wisely left his stinky shoes and socks inside the tent....It was not fun putting on soggy socks and shoes. Thankfully, after a few minutes, I totally forgot about it. We had breakfast and left for Sapphire lake at 9.15 am. The first part involved some bushwhacking, m went first and his shoes and pants were soaked to above the knee. I fared much better. I thought that was a little tough but it was just the beginning. The terrain soon turned rocky and we scrambled across it. Before long, big boulders stood before us and the real rock scrambling began. We traversed across the rocks like 3-legged mountain goats. An hour, 1 mile and 400 ft in elevation gain later, we arrived at Sapphire lake. This lake was indeed sapphire colored. What appropriate names! Emerald lake and Sapphire lake. I could only imagine what Mirror lake would be like. M pointed to me where Mirror lake lay. If I thought that the bushwhacking and rock scrambling were difficult coming up to Sapphire lake, they would be much harder going up to Mirror lake. Where there is a challenge there is the rightful feeling of accompaniment and triumph after conquering it. We would go to Mirror lake some day. Soon we headed back down as it had become chilly and we had a full day of hiking ahead. The way down was much easier. I also got delirious. I talked about making kung pao chicken, the real kind! With chopped up chicken pieces from a whole chicken and real spicy too. I could picture what it looked like, smelled like and imagined eating it. An hour later, we arrived back at Emerald lake, had our trusty tuna/mayo/bacon bits lunch while I dried my still damp shoes and socks under the baking sun. The descend down to the meadows began at 1.15 pm. On the way, we saw another garter snake. This time a pretty big one, laying in the middle of the trail refusing to move. I don't know how it managed to survive for so long, it looked like a pretty tasty protein packed meal. We arrived at the meadows at around 3.30 pm and was greeted by a black fuzzy caterpillar covered with orange trimmings running across the path. It was so fast! I think if I had been in its path it would have just kept going, ewww. An hour and a half later we arrived at our final campsite, Alpine camp. It would have been half an hour sooner but m had to stop for a water filtration break. The campground was spacious and beautiful by the river with a fireplace, logs for dining and seating, and plenty of lush tree covering. After seeing that speedy caterpillar however, I suddenly felt itchy all over thinking that a caterpillar had fallen from some leaves onto me. I asked m constantly to check me for creepy crawlies - he didn't object. After dinner, I joined m to go nymphing. M was serious with focus but was contradicted by his cuteness and awesome hair. He soon caught a small brook trout! I was taught how to nymph too but was less successful. I grew tired of it pretty quickly and wanted to go back. I had a feeling that m was more excited teaching me fishing than I was learning it, while I had more fun just relaxing and watching him fish. Finally I was let off the hook.

On the fourth and final day of our backpacking trip, I woke up like the days prior, letting my braid go and brushing my hair before braiding it up again. I'm happy to report that my hair still retained it's freshness after 4 days in the wilderness. Just a touch of oil appeared on the roots on the last day. This means that I could comfortably hike for up to 4 days without washing my hair, phew! We started the hike back to the trailhead at around 8 am and arrived two and a half hours later. We talked about all the food that we would eat when we get back to civilization. And we lived true to our words.

A day after we were back in civilization, I wished I was back in the wilderness. Typically a 4-day weekend seems to go by so quickly. This 4-day trip however, felt like a lifetime in another world. One with fresh air, beautiful scenery, wonder and the incredible and overwhelming feeling of smallness in the boundless mother nature; where doubts and uncertainties are absorbed and replaced with fresh perspectives and clarity. LG, life's good :).

Back Again :)

Dear Blog, it has been so long, 14 months to be exact. I remember a time when I wrote much more frequently and I hope that I am back for good. So many things have happened!

Horse riding is back! This school is very well rated and places a huge emphasis on safety. It focuses on dressage and so I will likely be doing mostly trotting and not much cantering. It's good I suppose since dressage is about body control and slight movements which will 'hone' my patience. I've mostly been riding Patrick. He is a beautiful white horse and is a rock when it comes to moving, he is also apparently a rock to spooking. Once there was a coyote chasing a rabbit and they got right in front of Patrick, he just turned his head to look at them, acknowledged their presence and looked away. I think I may be like Patrick in that I won't notice anything coming, although my reaction would be full of shock which can be extremely counter-productive lol. I've been to 6 lessons so far, and I can say finally that I understand the technique that I will need to post the trot without stirrups. In the previous school it just seemed impossible to me, so I just bounced around on the saddle while my instructor asked me why I was smiling (every time).

I've been on the fence about cycling ever since my accident. Over the past year, as my love for cycling turned into just going for a stressful workout. I felt that life was getting boring and was somehow incomplete. I needed physical challenges that excite me.

I will digress for a bit and say that mentally I am quite satisfied. I came up with a formulation that is going for FDA approval in 2016. I am currently in process development making the manufacturing process as smooth as possible. I get to experience different roles in pretty much the entire drug-to-market process, such is the benefit of working in a small company that allows freedom :). The feeling of accomplishment and the thought that it will help people is highly satisfying. Yet how much it will actually benefit people is so miniscule compared to say helping a paralyzed person walk again, or curing cancer, or ebola, or alzheimer's, the list goes. A solid foundation in the meantime to prepare for that sounds like a good plan :).

Ok back to physical excitements. I've been doing some running this past year in a quest to find a new hobby. I have always found running to be a very efficient form of exercise. Indeed, after running for 30min I feel more exhausted and well exercised so to speak than cycling for 2h. This saves me plenty of time for other things in life. Yet running on the road is just well, not so much fun. Then came our mountain bike ride during the NW trip, which oh man I thought I wasn't going to survive (aka have a crash). Matthew and I went mountain biking on our first day at Olympic National Park. When I saw my rental mountain bike, something looked very wrong. The bike was very finicky and went all over the place as we rode into the trails which was initially lined with cobblestones. Suffice to say, cold sweat built up fast. I realized then that my handlebar was way too big, it was probably 10 inches wider than Matthew's (wtf said I). But how can I back down, it wasn't just my ego at stack (lol) but Matthew's enjoyment too. So on I continued hoping the trail would be better. But soon we were riding on a narrow ledge winding up around the mountain with tree roots and rocks appearing haphazardly. I will leave how I got through it to your imagination. We enjoyed the beautiful view at the top for what seemed like a blink of an eye - there was no respite for the cortisone level. I was dreading the descent, but it was actually fun! Main thing was to look at exactly where I wanted to go. I've come to control the bike better and it was quite nifty going around the rocks and roots if planned carefully, if planned not so carefully, given the suspension and luck it didn't send me off somewhere else, phew. I thought about what it would like to run on those trails. Then a lightbulb moment happened. OMG, I can do trail running! And the rest is history.

I'm already 29 years old! Wow only a year to the huge 30. There was a time when I just wanted to live till I was 30 because I didn't want to be old and wrinkly and sickly. Now 30 doesn't seem half bad, maybe 50 years old then. But I did promise spending 50 years with Matthew :)... My 29th birthday was a turning point for me. The day started off as the worst day of my life, I just wanted it to be over quickly. On my drive to work, I witnessed 2 car crashes that happened moments earlier. I should say that I love seeing car crashes, they intrigue me. Of course I don't want them to actually happen, but if they do, I'd like to see them. There were 2 cars stopped by the left shoulder, another car in the fast lane with the front smashed and yet another on the left shoulder just ahead of it. A few minutes later, I saw a ferrari jammed side-ways in between 2 cars right in front of me. I have rarely seen car crashes in action or just moments after it. So I suppose I got my birthday present from somewhere :). As the day slowly went by, I tried not to think about how sad my birthday is. Then later in the day, everything changed for the better. I don't want to go into detail here, but it was the best possible outcome. Everything I could ever wish for came true. It is a birthday that I will always cherish and remember fondly :).

Back from a long hiatus

So I've finally decided to come back after a long hiatus. Wow, it's been more than 5 months! So many things have happened. I will do my usual blogging about the cycling rides and about other things in life.

Last Saturday we (yep, now it's 'we' not 'I' anymore) joined the PV ride. I have done this ride twice in the past. The first time, I was feeling great and thought, this isn't so fast, when the pace suddenly increased and I got dropped. Later I found out the pace that I loved was in fact a warm-up...The last time, I got slingshotted a couple miles after the acceleration. This time, I hang on, it was surprising. There was this older woman who was crazy, dashing from side to side trying to hang on. She turned to say let's go catch them with a huge snot hanging out and blowing in the wind. I spent a considerable amount of energy dodging said snot. I hang on for about 15 min and almost made it to Alpine. Pretty proud of myself - I think it's the rollers at home which makes me 'fast' on flats.

The following day, we rode with m's club. The club people are mostly boring except for an old guy. He is the only person and guy who has ever told me to pull him after we got dropped by the group. It was the ride which I met m and was my recovery ride after lots of climbing the previous day. Now 5 months later, I doubt he would ask me to pull since I will be in the front group. As we were riding with the club m and I decided to split off to lose some weight before climbing OLH. Then as we were making our way to OLH, a peloton passed us and we jumped on their wheels. They looked fast (from their leg muscles). There was this guy who was riding oddly by the side, upon close examination (shouldn't have done that), he was peeing while cycling...seriously?! It's not like this is the TDF. Coincidently, this group also went to climb OLH, m went to the front to race with them while I rode at my own pace. I felt like I was flying up the mountains. I passed everyone including a few people from m's club who started the climb before us. I finished at 26 min 24 sec, 50 secs off from my PR - not bad :) I think this is due to the fact that my weight is finally down to 58 kg. It's odd, but, I have proven the dangers of having carbs at night. The last couple of weeks, I decided to not have carbs at night unless there is a ride the next morning, my weight plummeted so quickly. Also, I realized that I need to do proper warm ups. I don't mean just a warm up at 70% max heart rate, but one where my heart rate has maxed out. This is because when my heart rate went over 180 (due to doing the PV ride), climbing the mountains was so much easier, and I could go at the same or faster speed at a lower heart rate. I suppose my body is just lazy. It's still half asleep when I do normal cycling, only when my heart rate goes over 180, does it decide to wake up and cooperate.

The ride was great and we decided to go home quickly, so we begin descending La Honda. I've done this many times before. Although there are some traffic here, the road is very winding so cyclists go at pretty much the same speed as cars. I often look back to see if there are cars coming. This time, there was a cyclist behind me descending at the same pace. Soon he yelled 'car back'. I yelled 'car back' to m who was in front. The car looked to be driving dangerously so I yelled 'car back' to m again. It looked like the car will run over him anytime. The next thing I knew, the car was right in front me with brake lights on. He was making a turn and cut into the right border. There was no place for me to go and I had to brake hard. The wheel slipped under me and I crashed hard onto the ground. When I came around, I was lying on the ground with shoes still attached to the pedals (new speedplays). The cyclist who was behind me stopped and helped to remove my feet from the pedals and dragged me to the side of the road. He asked if I have flexibility in my arm and how was my head. My arm felt fine, head hurt a bit. I took off my helmet and was astounded to find that the helmet had cracked through.

It was odd, the scary part of the crash was not during the crash itself, but was in assessing the damages. I looked at my arm, my waist, and saw blood, and thought, oh man...not again. The old scars haven't completely gone away and already new ones will come :( Surprisingly, there was no blood from my legs, I think it's due to the restriction from the pedals, although there must have been a lot of banging around cos my right knee is now bruised all over.

For some reason, I have always wanted to use the expression 'stuck between a rock and a hard place'. I suppose this is a good opportunity to use it. In here, the rock is the truck and the hard place is the ground. Considering everything, it would have been worse if I had crashed into the truck - that would have sent me flying. I have always dreamt of flying, but not in this way.

I'm sure the crash must have looked horrendous. I wish I could have seen it for myself. The cyclist who helped me was certain that I broke something, when I didn't, he concluded that young folks don't break anything. After sitting around, pondering about my bad luck and fantasizing about punching the driver, I thought I'd better stand up cos I didn't want m to see me laying on the ground. As soon as I did, m came and was very worried. I was quite embarrassed to always crash. M asked how I am and wanted to call an ambulance. It would be interesting to go on an ambulance ride, but not if I have to pay hundreds of dollars for it especially since I felt fine. Any pain or headache must have been masked by the anger.

We rode back to the car. I think I have been jinxed by some cycling merchandise that I got for free. In the last crash, I was wearing the free knee warmers. In this crash, I brought along the free arm warmers. Logically, I decided to throw away the arm warmers. M said maybe other cyclists would want them and perhaps those would be lucky for them. So we hang them on a tree like a christmas present and drove away. After getting cleaned up (this time I didn't have to use hydrogen peroxide phew!), we went to the ER to get me checked up. My head was feeling increasingly dizzy and headachy. The ER doc did some simple checks and concluded that everything looks fine, but that when I sleep that night, every 2 hours, I should have someone to wake me up...that was comforting to know.

My headache got worse over the next few days. And I wasn't able to go to work. My boss is really nice and said that my health is the priority, and to only go back when I am 100% better. I was super bored at home. Typically I get headaches from not going outside or from watching TV during the day or from general laziness. So I tried to go to work to see if the headache would get better - that didn't happen. As the week progressed, I was getting increasingly worried, so I saw another doctor. He also thought that everything is fine but I asked him to order a scan. And convinced him to get a MRI rather than a CT. The next day I went to take the MRI scan. It was a Friday afternoon, and the doctor will not get back to me with the result until the following week. But I got the images on a CD for myself. Looking at them, I was convinced that I see bleeding (darker regions than other areas) and swelling (unsymmetrical brain). So I called the hospital, jumped through the hoops - an operator and a nurse - reached an ER doc who looked at the images and said it's normal. Of course, I didn't really believe him because he was likely busy and only looked at it briefly. I never take chances when it comes to my health, so I went into the hospital the next day to see a doctor in person. Conclusion: MRI looks fine, the brain takes time to equilibrate after the big shock hence the headaches.

9 days later, I feel much better, almost back to normal. This experience has been a setback in terms of my health, training and work - all because of someone else's recklessness. But of course, I always try to see the good in things and what I can learn for the next time (yes, yes, so cliche). The take home message here is that contrary to popular belief, it is probably safer to take the whole lane when descending winding roads and only allow cars to overtake when it's safe. If there were any happy memories from this experience, it was having m taking care of me....having him with me on every hospital visit, seeing him cook for me while I rest, it just makes me visualize our future together with extra clarity, certainty and longingness :) LG, lifes good.

Recent Happenings

I started work a couple of weeks ago, I was surprised at how nice and welcoming everyone was. My boss actually sent out an email to everyone to introduce me and asked them to welcome me. So people already knew which school I was from, that I like cycling and where I live. My first paycheck was pretty nice, although the bonus was heavily taxed, by heavily, I mean 50%! There are coffee machines (with tonnes of flavors to choose from, although I don't drink coffee) and filtered water (something we never had back whence). There is a vending machine that has quite nice snacks for only a quarter (because the company subsidizes them). The work hours are nice too. I normally come in at 8.30 and leave a little after 5 - longer than most people at the company! We have breakfast brought in every Friday, and every second Wednesday we have lunch brought in. All in all, a quite nice environment to be in. Equally important, the project that I am working on is quite interesting. Although of course, I have to work on things that are not 'mine', which is totally fine. In grad school, you are supposed to work on your thesis, however, I spent perhaps 25% of the time working on my advisors pet projects. Now that I am at work, whatever I do, directly goes back to the company.

One afternoon, a colleague and I started talking about cycling. He used to ride quite a lot but haven't been doing much lately. I suggested to ride together sometimes. There was no response from him, which was rather weird, so I walked away. Moments later, I get an email from him saying that he wanted to ride with me....So the following day we rode with a club. He is a body builder, who has too much mass on the upper body. He does have legs, but absolutely no endurance. So we got dropped at maybe a third of the ride. He kept on apologizing and asked me to give him another chance, that he would do this and that to improve and be better for the following Saturday. So last Saturday we rode with the club again. We did a 60 miles ride with plenty of climbing. He was actually not bad and was faster than me on the climbs (must be all the muscles). However, he bonked and had to ask others for food because 'he was going to faint', we then had to stop for a meal, and then he cramped. He said that he must be the most problematic person I have rode with - I couldn't have agreed more. Yet I can honestly say that I don't mind the trouble, however, he complained constantly, saying how he couldn't make it, that he's going to give out and had to let every living thing know that he was struggling....seriously!? Man up. As well, he is, how should I put this, quite dumb. He called himself retarded and that he doesn't like to use his brain.

The following day, I was supposed to do a recovery ride. So I found another club to ride with. The recovery ride turned out to be a 40 miles ride with some climbing. I met a quite eccentric guy during the ride who has a handlebar moustache, grew up in China because his parents were missionaries, has a huge tattoo on his arm, used to smoke and has a phd in English literature. Given how different he is, I was surprised to find that we actually have a lot in common. And during his spare time, he likes to read and learn new things. So that day, I rode with a guy who wanted to better himself, and the day before, I rode with a guy who lifted weights and didn't want to tire his brain....you can see who I enjoy talking to more. Anyways, this moustache guy (sorry, the moustache was just too distractive) wanted to have dinner...when I heard him say that, my heart just sunk - I'm just not cut for this dating thing. There is so much expectations etc. Why can't people just go out as friends and see where that leads? That way, you can actually learn about the other person in a more genuine way. Anyways, we will ride and have lunch instead. Let's see where this leads. Based on past experiences, the chances of things working out is low, but he is a nice and intriguing guy, so I would like to get to know him as a friend and perhaps something more.

Ok, so tired now, it's probably because nowadays, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday I get up at 5 am or before to go to cycling gym with my new coach. He has rollers there that the students use. And he has 2 rules. First, no questions. Second, no complaining. The second is easy to satisfy, but I warned him that I'll have questions because I want to know why I'm doing what I'm doing....He told me to just listen to him. However, I break the first rule numerous times during each session, it just cannot be helped. And this went back to my friend (the Russian guy) at the bike shop, who told my coach that I want to know why because I am smart. My friend told me that my coach doesn't like questions because there was once someone who stole his training techniques and went to open a cycling school himself.

First Few Rides around New Home

I was going to post this a few days ago, but didn't get a chance to finish it off - here we go...

I shall carry on from where I left off from last time. I went to a LBS to get my bike checked out and fitted. The owner is an old Russian guy and is quite a character, amazingly straightforward, critical yet funny. He said that I put the bike together nicely and that I have mechanic potentials (lol that was a shocker). And complimented the bike, especially at the price I got it for :) He then fitted me on the bike. He made the bike very aero and taught me some techniques, including having elbows at 90 degree angles. Apparently I have a nice seat with a curve on my back unlike many other cyclists. There were rides leaving the shop on Saturdays and I asked if I could join. He said sure, if the weather is good and so we were to meet and ride on Saturday morning.

When I got back from the store, I took the bike for a spin around where I live. I was anxious because it's so so hilly around here. I went down the huge hill where I live and felt that I was going to tip over. In general the bike feels better than my old one. Especially when I stand up to pedal - it is so smooth and seems to move with me unlike my old one which felt very jerky (this might be due to the bike fit too). I finished the spin and was going back home when I missed my turn and was now at a 3 way stop sign. I was waiting for cars to go so that I could make a U-turn. But every one of the cars told me to go first. This is in stark contrast to Australia (lots of roundabouts instead of stop signs), where they never waited for me even if it was my turn to go and I have heard of many stories about drivers running cyclists off the road. Anyway, so off I went back towards the hill where I live. I think the gradient is over 13% ahhhh. I was shifting down and realized that there were no more gears left....gotta get used to the compact crankset!

On Friday, I decided to go for a ride around the area. I'm not supposed to do hills (says my coach), yet it's hard to map a flat ride without hills given it's the bay area. So I ended up going on Canada rd (quite flat), then climbed King's Mountain rd (that seemed like a never ending climb with an average gradient of 9%) and descended on Skyline blvd (a good but bumpy descent). The view was so beautiful around here - all dark green and lush and lively unlike the LA area. On my way back to the carpark, I was at a busy intersection. I signaled to turn left and behold, cars slowed down for me to pass. Once again, such a move would go unnoticed by Aussi drivers.

On Saturday, I was pretty excited to be riding with other people. I drove to the carpark behind the bike shop to meet up with the Russian dude and the others. I waited for a while, but no one showed up. So I found another ride. It's a ride with a bike shop in Pleasanton. Pretty far drive but I wanted to ride with others. That was a 30 miles ride including some climbs. There were only three of us on the ride including the ride leader. The other guy is quite fat but has lots of leg muscles. His ego seemed rather damaged when I could climb faster than him...I don't see how he would think he could be faster than me on the mountains with all his mass. I was still thinking about what happened with the Russian man, because knowing him (after an hour), I knew that he would not not show up. So after the ride, I went over to the shop to say hello. Apparently he was waiting for me inside his shop.....while I was waiting for him inside my car....and since I 'didn't show up', he didn't go ride. Anyways, I hanged out in the shop for a while, talked to a couple of other cyclists who were also hanging around. They told me some nice rides around the area and some clubs to join. The Russian dude then told me to contact his friend who is a cycling coach - he has coached Olympians and world champions.

On Sunday, I was supposed to do a long ride. But I was lazy and actually my legs were sore. So I just did the Bicycle Sunday ride on Canada rd (where the road is closed to traffic). I did 2 laps, admired the beauty of Crystal Springs and felt rather bored. Was going to do a 3rd lap, but sustained a bird poop...ewwww...so I cut the ride short. Upon return to the car and investigation in the mirror, there was nothing on me. It may have just been a wet leaf, less ewwww, but still eww.

I NEED to lose weight. In the holidays I was at 61 kg, gained around 1.5 kg while at home. During the last couple of weeks, there were no food temptations, currently at 58.5 kg. I need to get down to 56 kg by the end of March. It’s going to be easy I think. There are many areas where subcutaneous fat needs to be lost, for instance, tummy (0.5 kg), arms (0.2 kg), legs (0.5 kg), everywhere else (1 kg) and visceral fat too (1 kg). Right now I have 20% body fat or 11.8 kg of fat. If I lose 3 kg of fat, then I would be at 15.7% body fat. But by that time, I would likely have more muscles, so the actual body fat percentage would be lower.

Which reminds me, I was watching the following...



Andy Schleck is already so skinny and had to lose 1-2 kg for the tour?! It looked like he could possibly faint with each step. This video was great to gain a perceptive into the pro life....I want to train full time, work with the best people etc...one can daydream :) And 'I have Frank in the race, when there is a crash I always look to see if he is there....I don't care so much about myself, because I feel safe'...that is so sweet.

Leaving Home, Finding Apartment and Moving

After almost 7 weeks at home, I was sad to leave. I have said a few times before that sometimes I feel lonely when I'm by myself, I realize now that it's homesickness, because that 'loneliness' is not helped by talking to friends or doing exciting things, only by talking with or being with family does it help. I think my little sister has it figured out, she will go to uni in Perth and will most likely stay in Perth afterwards. 

Everyone went to the airport to send me off. Air NZ introduced a restriction of 23 kg for checked in luggage, which is rather annoying considering mine weighed 25 kg. So I put some things into my carry on luggage. During this, my dad kept on saying how bad the service is to the attendant. Idk what he can achieve by doing this (other than venting his anger) because 1. the weight restriction is placed by the airline and not by the attendant 2. talking badly to service people can have repercussions. The said repercussion indeed happened...For this airline, I could choose my seat for the flight from Perth to Auckland online, but not the Auckland to SF flight. I asked the attendant if I could choose my seat for the second leg. She said, yes, we will get to that. Soon, she printed out the boarding passes and asked whether aisle seat was ok, I said yes (that's what I wanted), although I thought it was strange that she didn't ask me to choose the seat myself. After I boarded the flight heading for SF, I discovered that she had put me next to the toilets, with people squeezed next to me, even though it was a half full flight! I thought it was ridiculous yet unsurprising, and indeed funny that people do such things. I asked the flight attendant if I could switch seats. I ended up sitting away from the toilets, on the aisle with spare seats next to me. And that was a pretty good flight as far as flying goes. Oh yes, I decided to try the low fat meals. I'm glad I did because they are the type of food that I normally eat, without all the fat/oil/salt. The quality of the food is good. If memory serves me right, one of the meals was a piece of chicken breast with beans, asparagus and baked sweet potatoes, cf to normal meal selection of either beef gravy or pasta. I think the special meals on the economy class, ie low fat, for diabetics etc are the same as these that are served on premium economy and perhaps even business classes. During the flight, I saw several movies, don't remember them much but I really enjoyed Horton hears a Who, funny and sweet. 

After the 32 hours of flying plus layover, I waited for 2 hours in line for customs, then I caught a taxi to get my car from the storage facility and to grab a few essentials from the storage unit. Walking into the storage unit was sad because I could clearly remember when my mum and little sister helped me to move everything in there weeks ago. I could also clearly remember thinking that I would be sad to come back here without them. Anyway, I quickly left the place and drove to my hotel, contacted a few apartments, then took the much needed rest. I looked at over 8 places. There was one which I always go back to because of their wooden floor. And what do you know, I'm living in it now :) The move was exhausting. There were so many things in the storage unit and they were so heavy. Carrying the boxes I thought I might faint. But as soon as I got everything into my apartment, suddenly I was no longer tired, perhaps it was a mental thing. Initially, I was going to get furniture from Ikea, but I thought perhaps I could get better quality pieces that would last longer and also look better. So I went to other furniture stores. I walked into one store and immediately saw a white leather sofa/chair. It looked great, simple yet classic. I just couldn’t stop looking at it nor get over it. It’s very expensive (supposedly a famous design), yet I knew that I had to get it. It's like how I knew that I have to live in this apartment (but without the guilt of spending so much money). I ordered several other things from them including a bedroom set and a bookcase. They will all arrive next week. 

I'm now sitting on a cushion on the ground, with my laptop on a makeshift table listening to music and admiring my new bike :) It arrived today in several pieces. I placed them together in about half an hour. Not sure how well they are put together. I will get it checked out tomorrow at a LBS and also to get it fitted for me.